Book 3 Chapter 7

Welcome back. Did you miss me?

I am listening to the news from Russia again. You learn a great deal when you listen to other people. In a court room all you do is listen and hope you got that statement correct or the reaction of the Judge or the people around you. I am not sure what Lawyers feel when they are up there. I have had my fair share of court room drama you could say. I have dealt with the family law court, divorce court, Federal Courts, State Courts; I am working on making it to the Supreme Court in D.C... That would be an achievement. I have learned though, laws are started on the base of all courts. I am not an expert in the Courts or their placement as of yet. Where they sit and why one Court is higher than the other.

To me the court system is a lot like our Government. Each level is connected but one hand rarely knows what the other is doing. I usually slip in quietly to these cases. Sitting where I can hear well but not always seen because I do try to blend in. As for my writing style on these cases. I am not sure so many would approve who have been in the business for very long. I can’t blame them. I have chosen to come into a court of law and report the truth but from a layman’s point. From one who is learning the law as the cases move forward.

I often have to work twice as hard on cases, for the simple fact, I do not know all the terms. I did not complete College. I did graduate High School, but College was a no go for me. Hint here, teenagers who know everything and are ready to graduate, go get a further education even if it is fixing cars.

I have let go of a lot of things in my life. I had them but I did not want them at that time if that makes sense. I look back and reflect a lot on where I turned wrong, how I could have done things differently.

I think the Court Room does make you look, reflect; see where you could be, or what you could become. Besides Government, Law is one of the only other things that really affect a whole Country. This includes anything that can be broken down into those particular sectors we could say. I am anxiously awaiting my proofer’s responses and corrections on the first few chapters of this book, so as I wait, the need to write does not diminish. Especially when I am watching things that can and will affect thousands. It is a very weird feeling. I am witnessing history in a way, not by the sideline in the TV tube that is watched by many out there. I am sitting in on cases that can possibly change laws for others nation wide in the future.

There is something about that. There is a feeling of pride, not vanity. It is a feeling of awe. It is a feeling of pain and disappointment. In life you have to take a stand. If you do not, the words you say mean nothing to the people you are trying to reach. I do believe my PTSD is a help factor in this area. Remember every negative has a positive. My mind is that of sorted memories, blind faith, and direction of where I need to be, not where people think I should be.

The court rooms show you your own vicious circle of life. Where you could do better. How you could improve yourself. How do you make change? Do you have a purpose? Why are you here? What is it you are to do? I watch the court room drama. There is no other description there. It is like watching psychedelics on trial. Each Lawyer has a point, the judge listens. The lawyer has the choice to listen to the judge or not. They psychosomatic actions continue either way.
I suppose I have to go back to my first court case on Pearl. The GitMo case as I refer it to. Out of all the research I have done, I am not sure what my limits are of that of reporting. Do I step out and scream the truth from my pages or do I keep a silent mind and only show the facts of the case. Not that when I scream the facts would not be in the description of the case where I put my thoughts in there, my thoughts will just come in louder words.

If you notice, I tend to focus on other things besides the PTSD. I try to function with in the ‘normal’ parameters of man. I tell you right now I am far from it, seriously. I wonder how others see me in this world, my words, my research. Some call that the truth. I have the issue of knowing what I should say and what I do say. These court cases remind me so much of being there, being the person on trial.

Of course everyday I live I am on trial. Did I say the right thing? Did I manage ok? What did I do to improve the situation? Am I ok? Why do I feel the need to take care of others even when I am the brink of despair? I often look at my weak, fallen vessel that I am no one, nothing. Crying out in utter defeat I watch. I cry. I submit; feel. I see.

For so long I have questioned where I am to be and what to do. If I am on the right path? Did I mislead someone, somewhere? I fight what humanity gives me as an answer. I fight what I am told I am to believe. I rage against this machine if for no reason as to the fact that I scream about the truth that I am presented with. My true vision is that of clarity, peace, blindness of a sort. I have found out that I can not report with out my heart being real. This becomes a conflict of interest in ways.

When I have the privilege to talk to my children they often bring light to the conversation of their wisdom. Two precious times of the week I get to hear how their day is going, their week. What is going on in their world? It is a very odd existence. Looking out to what is presented to me. I am a weird one. No one can argue. I am still functioning, functioning being the key word. I have survived abuse you could not imagine. I have become the poster child of screw ups. I mean real screw ups. I look at myself and wonder why in Gods green earth I would be chosen to be a mother of one, let alone two children. Who screwed up that day with the embryos that become children? I want to see this order.

My son reconfirmed my parenting education today. He uttered the words, “We must question everything.” Such a bold statement from a 16 year old. In his simple words he reaffirmed what I have taught my children from birth. The basics of life.

“Yes." Was my answer. I asked him where he learned this and he informed me it came from my gene pool, that he learned that from me. There is not a word that can describe what this is or how it may affect you. I raised my children to question everything; this does not just mean those around you, but those who help you; your teachers, your leaders, your friends, your family, and so on and so forth. Again please send your hate mail to idontcare@gmail.com. Such a simple statement that is said that can mean mounds. It is a reward for teaching well. It is a gift to see that you were listened to.

It is also a reminder which has to do with the courts? How do you possibly put Courts with children? Easy. Both need a justice system based off something. Based off a reason. As I said there are no words to express the words of my son. His bold statement of ‘Question everything.’
See people come in and out of your life and you become attached, you only hope what you have given will reach them and their boundaries. From a mothers point of view. I am terrible. I am a horrid mother. I have the mother instincts, but not the drive sometimes. Not the tenacity. I was from the world of children should be seen not heard because I already have enough noise in my head. Yet when I had my own I learned very quickly communication is key and our children are like these lil sponges absorbing everything we say or do in this world.

My son repeating the precious words of ‘Question everything” allowed me to realize I am on the right path, whether I am in the Court Room or in person on the street. It is that silly validation to continue on in this world and your place in it.

As this concludes our blogcast/bookcast day…Always question….PTSD…question…thyroid…question…twin towers…question…swine flu…question???