***Again, sorry for not being able to post more. I must make money with odd jobs right now and rent is way past due as is electric, cable, phone...Not that I am complaining, just noting...***
I love living in NYC; this place is a dream come to reality on some plane I never bought a ticket for, rather New York sent for me while I was working in a strip bar in Boston. As I was growing up I dreamed of coming to NYC with out realizing, the people in NYC, unless of course you have money, do not live here but simply exist. It cost too much to “live” here; you must work 24/7/365-6 or at least 20/7/365-6.
I have read somewhere that the average NYer lives 7 years in 1 year of the average life span of most Americans. I mean New York City. I am not saying the outskirts of NYC and the surrounding areas are not fast paced as well, just not as fast as a NYC minute. Until you live here you really don’t understand that statement. Oh and just so you know, NYC has 5 boroughs, Manhattan, Queens, Staten Island, Brooklyn, and the Bronx. Please make a note of that. Not every NYC person lives in Manhattan. Have you seen the rents there, please I don’t have a sugar daddy. However if you are interested in applying, just let me know.
Oh yes, where were we, the NYC minute.
Lives are built in a minute by some choices and are destroyed in seconds in decisions you make here in this City. Don’t believe me, look at Wall Street and the crashes. I am a bit bias here. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bias) Remember I have wanted to be in New York City most of my life; well it is one of my most vivid memories and dreams.
I often question why I think I can make a difference. I am not any different than anyone else, I just have a very vivid imagination and I have a way with words, or at least I hope I do if you are still reading this. My life has been blessed with the people I have met, the places I have lived, and the surroundings that embraced me. I don’t know too many people who have touched a Glacier, driven through the Yukon and BC twice, and moved to NYC with out a dime in their pocket. Wait there are a few that I followed in their footsteps on that last statement.
I am also aware there are not many people out there who had a mother like mine with her addictions and needs. The memories of my childhood still haunt me to this day. I am not sure there is ever a way to erase these memories, no matter how hard you try. You learn to live with them. Accept them and move on. I learned long ago, self pity and self wallowing does nothing for the spirit but break it. That is Unfixable.
Also for some reason, when someone told me ‘no’ I would do it anyway just to prove them wrong. It is the stubbornness in me. Perhaps the American Indian or the Black Irish, I am not sure which. Perhaps because I am naturally inquisitive and I am the child that wants to know why? Why do things work? How can I make things better? What is wrong with me? How do I fix me? Why do I care more about the welfare of others before myself? In today’s society that is not a trait we are really taught anymore. To think of others before ourselves.
Some of my experiences in life have been that of volunteering. What a gift and a blessing that is. Helping others is a unique feeling. Those who in a worse situation always make you stop and ponder your life of what you have and where you could be. My step-mom used to take me with her to these activities of volunteerism and 12 step meetings.
Once in a while the father figure in my life, to be known as ‘L’, from now on, would join us. As you can see, my father figure and I do not get along. I do not subscribe to his issues of racism and judgment. It is a personal choice. There were times that we, as a family, would volunteer together at dinners and lunches of Nursing Homes and with Veteran’s and everyone is attending AA, Ala-teen or Ala-non. You can learn a lot if you pay attention in these situations. I have always known that even if I can not walk that day, at least I have feet to walk eventually. You know that old saying.
I truly believe that Faith keeps you at bay out of the wolves’ mouths. Sometimes she pushes really hard, but when you kneel and say, “Ok, please help.” There is a peace that comes and carries you forth. Some say it is Jesus, I say it is Faith. Both can be considered one in the same. I also believe our roads are to make us stronger. I know, that old saying, ‘That which does not kill us makes us stronger’. This is very true, even if unfair. Who are we to say what is fair and what is not fair? What if the road you are on leads you to a road in the footsteps of the person you admire?
Look around, none of the people who got anywhere really had an easy life. All of them went through things. Perhaps they don’t talk about it. Perhaps nothing actually happened to some of them. I do have a question though. Who is to say whose struggle is harder? We are given what we can handle for our character, for our being. Someone up there did not just say, “Ok, we are going to plant this being here and just let it go all wily nilly with out care of where it is going.” There is far to much paperwork involved in creating a being let alone allowing that being to reek havoc on a society.
Also if you think that a higher power did not create you. Please, please, look at how a child is conceived and created. Ok an egg gets penetrated by a fish like creature, a tadpole. Think about that. It forms into cells that double daily, not even looking human, or taking the human form for at least a month. I am not sure how long, I just know this truth. It is cells from the day of conception. Not something with 10 fingers and 10 toes. So you pro choice people, make the choice to be responsible, because you know what, your family cared enough to let you live so you could have a choice to kill a child, ever wonder if they made a mistake with your cells? I am pro-choice by the way pro choice we all are entitled to what we want to do, as well as I am entitled to state clearly I don’t believe in ending a life that has no voice to defend itself. Again direct your hate mail to idon’tcare@gmail.com.
The human form, in all reality, is one of the most remarkable forms of science available. Think about it most people can barely run a computer, what would they do if they had to remember to breathe every time?
The human form can heal, even from broken necks, backs, and bones. The human body can perform even under extreme stress. The human form carries one of the most highly developed computers on the planet. Your brain. We are not Petri dish (http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Petri+dish ) experiments under a microscope. At least I don’t think we are. Someone out there might disagree.
I don’t think I am better than anyone. As a matter of a fact, quite the contrary. I see my flaws and frailties very well. Where I have messed up in my life. How I continue to make the same mistakes. How I repeat cycles over and over. There is something in my programming of my brain that has to be rewired. My journals and writing allows for that. I do fully believe that someone out there will read my words and be able to see they are not alone with these thoughts. With these questions. I don’t know who it will reach. I do know if my words reach just one that is a blessing. If one life can be changed and saved it is worth the journey. Everyday you should impact one person in your life. You don’t know, but you may have just saved their life that day.
I am also a Patriot of sorts. I listen to the current music put out and watch TV just like everyone else. Some of my morals and ethics come into play here. The more I do research and learn about what is going on out there, the more I scream at myself that I need to do something or shut up. One can not preach freedom if one is not willing to fight for it.
Especially in the Arts department. The Arts have been our way of communicating to the world of what is happening in the world. I see the lies spread on the TV and it makes my stomach turn that I have not reached where I want to be on a personal level. I question if I will make it that far. Hey Eminem did. (www.eminem.com ) So did Sam Cooke (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0177492/bio ) I know those are artist.
However, that does not exclude other artist we could go to Dr. King (http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1964/king-bio.html ) or Malcolm X ( http://www.cmgww.com/historic/malcolm/ ) . They all believed and carried forth; they changed the world around them even when others told them they were crazy. The influences in my life have also been that of Anonymous programs and their 12 steps. I do not attend meetings anymore, at this time; however I do understand and appreciate their philosophies at times. I also try to apply it to my life on a daily basis. Hey right now I am still on step one. Admitting I am an Alcoholic and I am not in charge when the Alcohol is there in my system.
When I started ‘My Life on the ‘A’ Train’ I was not sure why. I had simply bought a journal book and wandered into a place here in Queens to eat. I had just started my journey on this discovery of the situation of my body right now. This PTSD nightmare and it is a nightmare. Do not ever doubt that. Those who have this condition know exactly what I am talking about. If you know what I am talking about, right now in my life, I am at the stage where even going to the city of Manhattan wears me out for 3 days after. Exhaustion sets in, my head pounds, I don’t want to deal with people, I can’t eat, sleep, function.
Please do not tell me this in my head. All my life I have been active. I was a cheerleader remember. That is a very active lifestyle. New York is an active lifestyle. Living is an active lifestyle. It is the travel that kills me. I am working on that. I tend to forget my body is in charge at this moment, even when my mind is working on a fast track of thinking.
I wanted to journalize my walk so I can reflect. Reflection is good you see. You can see where you are spinning your wheels and where you are moving forward and correct it. Or at least you should try too. In this life we are told we only get one life to live, no not the soap opera. To make the best of this life given. If this is the case, why do so many of us waste it on idleness? I am guilty of the same issue. This idleness. I am 37 years old today and well, I have life experience but no college degree. I have had 2 children but they do not live with me. Currently, I am a Freelance Writer, which translates into a starving artist and do anything you can to pay the bills.
What I have achieved in my life is not monumental or significant except for staying alive at this moment and time. That I suppose you could call an achievement. I know where I am headed. I know what I wish to achieve. It is getting there. I have been worried about putting my work out there. Why? Rejection, honesty, fear of the unknown. The questions run through your mind…What if this is not good? What if this does not make sense? What if I am wrong? What if my whole existence is a lie?
However inside, I know. I know my direction like the sailor directed by the North Star, like the warrior that is called to battle. There is an inner calm that says, move forward, the path is hard but it is worth it. Continue on. I feel much when I go to The City, as I call it.
History of life in the United States. Blood in the streets that was poured out hundreds of years ago. Freedom won and held because New York City still stands, as does America to a point. There are still cobble stone streets in some of Manhattan. It is here you feel the past of those who came before you, who walked on the same dream as you. That these streets called to you as if a silent voice on the wind, saying come home. It is time to make a difference. Why New York? I don’t like Cali...and yes I have been there.
New York is the city of dreams, the Lady of Freedom, and the hub of the world to this day. She shares her sea with others who are hubs, but we are so blessed to be granted to be in such a place lest we forget that everyone is allowed dreams and have hopes. Those hopes and dreams are in encouraged on the lips to our children and to those who come here from every “true” American.
Since I was 12, I have wanted to come here. To New York. Since I was young, I knew in my heart that there was a purpose for me. That I would go when the cold North Wind called me home. When Faith brought me neigh.
We are all so unique, so special. There should not be anger, jealousy amongst us. How can we change the world if we can not let go of such petty things that hold us back? Why is it we tell each other we want the best for them, yet under that same breath curse them or covet their gifts when they get that promotion or raise? Shouldn’t you rejoice and be glad in the tidings of your fellow men? I am a little different there I suppose. I will say in my defense, because I know certain people are reading this. I do not create anger or jealousy, I do however stand and defend myself when attacked and lied about. There is a difference.
I know I am to be where I am at this moment in time. I don’t know what tomorrow brings. If I will be here or if my words will simply be dust in cyberspace never to be read. Let me leave you with this…Inside each of us is a North Star. Be we are to lead the blind, help the poor, have a family, be a slave, or to be alone, we all have a purpose... We all are special in the eyes of who ever made us. Jealousy, anger, hate, frustration, coveting should never be a part of ones life to move forward, however defending one’s life should be.
This is not exactly how I planned on this chapter to go, but it went there. So on that note, this concludes our blogcast/bookcast day. We now return you to your syndicated broadcast show.Labels: Brooklyn, Faith, Manhattan, New York City, North Star, NYC, PTSD, Queens New York, Staten Island, the Bronx
